2009/09/27
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Listening To:
Feeling:
Eating/Drinking:
I haven't written here in so long.
I don't know why I thought this would be wise, a good idea, some sort of way for me to divert they way i'm feeling.
'blue skies are calling, and I know it's hard'
This lyric keeps playing in this song and I keep singing it.
And here I am aged 22, a graduate, and i'm still resorting in my lowest mood to picking up this little blade and looking ever so closely at the tiny cut i've just made on the side of my wrist.
Why am I doing this again? After what, a year clean, at least 4 years since i've thrown myself into that teenage self harm bracket. 4 years and my friends have since forgotten that about me. New friends don't even know it of me.
But i'm doing it.
I feel like my life is running a few beats slower than it should, like i'm being left behind. Everything is slotting into place for everyone and here I am still doing what I was doing at 17. I'm an adult. I have a degree, i'm a qualified teacher, and yet i'm not there. I'm living back at home. I have the same old stupid stupid man problems that I call problems but have created for myself for being so desparate for someone to love me.
I can't tell my friends this, I can't even begin to want to make them feel guilty for the things that are happning in their lives, i'd never want to. But I feel like i'm falling into something I don't want to go back into, like my brain isn't being filled with uni, with the thrill of living away that it's doing its old things, its making me behave like a child. Like a 15 year old. I'm fucking self harming, and for what? I just need to feel that i'm still me? I can do that in so many other ways.
I don't know what to do, what if I died tomorrow? I'd just leave what, a list of things I said i'd do one day? But never did because it didn't work out? I can't get what I want yet and its making me feel inadequate.
I don't know where to go from here. I don't even know why i'm doing this.
bebegracie at 11:36 p.m.
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